10 things I love & hate about SEX

LOVE

1. The crippling sexual tension you feel before it happens

2. The confidence it gives me “fuck yeah someone wants to have sex with me”

3. Watching my sexual partner getting more and more turned on. Hell yeah, that’s because of me bitches.

4. Mild dirty talk

5. The fact that it’s also a workout

6. Climaxing at the same time (not always, but when it does happen it’s a-fucking-mazing)

7. It doesn’t cost anything

8. I can act in a way I never get to in public

9. The noises

10. The orgasm

 

HATE

1. If you’re not on the pill, the temporary buzz kill of putting on a condom

2. The slimey aftermath

3. Feeling as though you could fall asleep when you actually have somewhere to be. FUCK THAT PLACE.

4. Getting started then getting interrupted

5. Yucky bed sheets…if it takes place in a bed.

6. Woops, someone’s fucking phone just rang

7. Difficulty climaxing when he’s just about on the brink

8. My absolute paranoia that I’m somehow pregnant

9. Having to keep the noises down

10. Not being into something he suggests or asks.

 

“our sex isn’t half bad” – Heartbeat Childish Gambino.

 

DIARY ENTRY FROM 8 YEARS AGO

WARNING: THIS DIARY ENTRY IS MEAN

I was doing a big clean out of my room that is too big for my house and I came across one of my many journals/diaries in a dusty old cupboard. I was flicking through and came to the most angry rant I have ever seen. It doesn’t have a name but I’m certain I can remember who it was about. My high school boyfriend! I’m a bit dramatic

“These are some things I want to say to him: 

• You can’t even look normal in important photos
• You’re something I should be embarrassed about
• Only true shitheads can’t tell the difference between ‘there’, ‘they’re’ and ‘their’
• Your a pussy and a sneaky little rat for breaking up with me over msn (ah, now I can see why this list came about)
• You’re 18 and have no fucking idea how to be in a relationship
• You were so fucking corny it made me sick
• I got over you in about an hour
• You’re a tool and a massive LAMEASS
• Stand up for your fucking annoying, controlling, protective stupid parents for once you wussy
• I can’t believe you were hurt when I said “WTF We’re not getting married!!”
• Don’t call me babe, or hun, or sexy. EWW!!
• Get NEW CLOTHES. You look so shit in your homo clothes
• Gain some weight!
• DO WEIGHTS! Get some muscle so you look like a man. You weedy little stupid skeleton worthless collection of body parts (I did warn you)
• You have lame taste in everything
• Just don’t talk because it’s bound to be lame
• Get me something for my b-day or valentine’s day you shitbrain JERK
• Make sure you can actually go on a date before arranging it
• Don’t ever say ‘love you’ whether it be on MSN or phone etc”

Wow. Holy shit. This was when I was 17. I don’t know why I never wanted him to say “I love you”. Maybe it’s because he was such a loser. Looking back, he was a bit of a loser. Actually, a massive loser. He might be okay now. But probably not.

Once a loser, always a loser.

 

I’ve decided that once every couple of weeks I will post a page of my journals that I have kept over the past 8 years to my blog…no matter how heavy they get. And trust me, some are pretty heavy.

 

10 Simple Struggles

We all have those freakin’ annoying moments in life. I prefer to call them colossal catastrophes. Or an abomination of devastation.

• Lipgloss and long hair on a windy day
• Straightened hair on a wet day
• A pair of heels one size too big
• ~Daring~ necklines and strapless bras
• Tangled headphones
• The sound of a mosquito in bed
• Being on top while having sex, with no hair elastic
• Low phone battery while in bed, with no charger
• “You can skip this ad in 30 seconds”
• “You must register to continue”

These obviously don’t have to apply to your life. I have a friend who from time to time enjoys having low battery, this means she won’t “waste her time” aimlessly flicking through her apps and then back again. Getting my hair stuck in my lip gloss makes my blasted eye twitch. Why don’t you grab a chunk of my hair and just glue it to my face. This is all the same as getting stuck in an elevator with another person. You were looking forward to some “me time” and then that stupid person turned your “me time” into your own personal hell. Suddenly, you become angry at that person and they didn’t even do anything wrong. What is happening to me.

As for tangled headphones – they can go fuck themselves.